Shined Too Bright ft. ShadytilIdie

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145289
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143673

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn5RMwUy ... ure=relmfu

[J.R.]
I shine like a sun
I'm prime for number one,
Align to the beat of a drum,
Gimme time, I'm done.
I gotta find inspiration for my creation
Jottin down navigation to gain coordination
Thus the foornication of my dreams has began
I can see the bitches screaming, J? He's the man!
Plan A is to get a deal and then kick back and relax
B? Well is to make minaj squeal when I fuck her in the ass
Just try to remember me when I'm on the big stage
With luck I'll let you carry my bags when I get the real pay..


[shadytilidie]
This writing shit gets hard but I must embrace it
My rhyming aint up to par so I rip the pages
The script is wasted I'm staying in this basement
I'm trying to move up on the inclination
But these pricks are quick to flame him
and saying that bitch wont make it
gives me temptations to quit and face it
I wont be adjacent to these evil faces
but still it gives me motivation in my veins
to spit incantations on the page
Ill rip the faces of you fakers hwo hate
So push the intimidation aside
I'll never subside just sever your rhymes
till I'm clever with mics
And better than nice!

[Spyder]

JR - sorry bro but ungodly awful verse, you start off with little syllable and weak similes
saying "i shine like the sun" i realize punches or metas cant always be jaw dropping but, cmon.
then your syllable count gets longer. it should only increase if you were double timing.
your verse subject was random, foornication isnt spelled right, rhyming was novice and needs
better multies/vocab/complexity.
you go down hill with every verse i read, its harsh but im trying to help

shady - this is the first ive read from you so i assume your a noob, i wont be too hard cause most suck
starting out. your lines should be basically the same amount of syllables in each line. your multies
should have the same syllable structure so it flows nice. and your verse is odd number lines
should always rhyme in two line patterns just to keep the scheme.
keep goin though man

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

@ Spyder Thanks for the feed, and yeah I am semi new but I am pretty sure you have fed one of my pieces before! lol. But yeah I realized the syllables didnt line up at all cause I sort of rushed the verse, But I didnt know that there should be an even amount of lines in the piece. thanks a lot man.

[Spyder]

ehh idk what i feed haha

[J.R.]

oh im a moron.

beat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn5RMwUy ... ure=relmfu

[SG.]

Jesus. This is not good.

J.R., you've fallen off big time. This was not a good verse and I hope you make some serious improvement.

STID, you're obviously only starting out, so I'll go easy on you. You'll get better, but for now work on the line length and rhyming.

[Mr.DGAF]

Ehhh, J.R. you've pretty much heard it all. Just keep grinding man, you'll get it again. And unfortunately if you don't, maybe it isn't meant to be. Just try to iron out syllable count and fix up some structure stuff.

Shady, this is your best so far. You're getting better with the rhymes flowing to make sense, but there are still some iffy lines in terms of comprehensive flow. The structure is a bit off, try to make the lines close to the same size and maybe a bit longer. But it's getter that you're improving, keep writing man.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

@ MR.DGAF and Zabe thanks for the feed, I have definitely listened to you guys advice I usually do count my syllables since I've been writing but I wrote this verse a lot faster than I usually do, But I get the point, my next verse could/should be my best verse =)