Verse for the day

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Hey guys, I didnt do much today so I wrote this small piece, Tried to have more of a horror core feel to it basically just practicing, took me about 1-2 hours to finish it without editing, feel like I'm getting a little better! hope yall enjoy!


LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145439



I'm in the public twitching with a twisted brain
High on life I'll smoke the craze and sniff insane
My dick shoots rage and ya bitch can taste it
spraying at her face its getting dangerous
Demons in my head are instigating
me to hit ya faces with bricks and blades see
I'm coming after you with such intricate rhymes
I'll punch your face so hard it injures your spine
I got a clip and a nine and I'm gripping it tight
Make one wrong move I'm splitting your eyes
Then I enter your mind and picture dicking your wife
Azrael by my side cause I'm ending a life
Were homies now I bring his business to mine
by sticking a knife right into your eyes
so intimately crazed stick my dick on a blade
then kiss it with rage and reassemble your face!

[Mr.DGAF]

You're getting better man, it's fun to watch. The multies are really getting to be in place, you've always had a good grasp for multies but now it seems like the placement of them makes more sense, if that makes any sense haha. I'd recommend now, to become better all around, just picking a topic and rapping about it. At some point you can and should simplify with multies. The biggest improvement you can make at this point is to maybe hold back the rhymes, but place them in more efficient places.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Thanks for the feed and advice it means a lot! I know what you mean with the placement, I have a couple pieces where I took a topic and wrote about it but I'm still working on finishing them up, some arent so great lol! any way, thanks a lot man I'll keep your advice in mind.

[Eedee]

I'm in the public twitching with a twisted brain
High on life I'll smoke the craze and sniff insane
My dick shoots rage and ya bitch can taste it
spraying at her face its getting dangerous
Demons in my head are instigating
me to hit ya faces with bricks and blades see
I'm coming after you with such intricate rhymes
I'll punch your face so hard it injures your spine
I got a clip and a nine and I'm gripping it tight
Make one wrong move I'm splitting your eyes
Then I enter your mind and picture dicking your wife
Azrael by my side cause I'm ending a life
Were homies now I bring his business to mine
by sticking a knife right into your eyes <--- too few syllables to end the flow here...
so intimately crazed stick my dick on a blade
then kiss it with rage and reassemble your face!

I bolded the rhymes I liked the most. Overall, the rhyming on this was good, makes you say "damn. Okay, I see what he did there" ya know? You put effort into this, I can tell, so props on that!

Only thing I can say is work on your flow. I read it, and since there's no beat, it's hard to kinda tell where the flow is going, etc. Some parts were good with the flow, (I underlined), that's what I'm gettin' at.

Hopefully I don't sound like an asshole, just trying to help

Keep droppin', this is good shit.

[mdemaz]

The bars are too short dude, add some shit in there.

Other then that, dope technique, I suggest writing to a fast beat because you have a knack for the quick shit by the looks of it.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

I bolded the rhymes I liked the most. Overall, the rhyming on this was good, makes you say "damn. Okay, I see what he did there" ya know? You put effort into this, I can tell, so props on that!

Only thing I can say is work on your flow. I read it, and since there's no beat, it's hard to kinda tell where the flow is going, etc. Some parts were good with the flow, (I underlined), that's what I'm gettin' at.

Hopefully I don't sound like an asshole, just trying to help

Keep droppin', this is good shit.

Thanks a lot for the feed man you dont sound like an ass hole at all. I did write it to a beat and some parts didnt flow as well as I had hoped but I'll definitely work on it! Thanks!

and @ mdemaz, Yeah I know they are a bit too short, I think its because when I write I write way too big and one line on a paper = a line on the computer in my brain hahah but I'll definitely work on making them longer!

[SajN]

Hey guys, I didnt do much today so I wrote this small piece, Tried to have more of a horror core feel to it basically just practicing, took me about 1-2 hours to finish it without editing, feel like I'm getting a little better! hope yall enjoy!


LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145439



I'm in the public twitching with a twisted brain
High on life I'll smoke the craze and sniff insane
My dick shoots rage and ya bitch can taste it
spraying at her face its getting dangerous
Demons in my head are instigating
me to hit ya faces with bricks and blades see
I'm coming after you with such intricate rhymes
I'll punch your face so hard it injures your spine
I got a clip and a nine and I'm gripping it tight
Make one wrong move I'm splitting your eyes
Then I enter your mind and picture dicking your wife
Azrael by my side cause I'm ending a life
Were homies now I bring his business to mine
by sticking a knife right into your eyes
so intimately crazed stick my dick on a blade
then kiss it with rage and reassemble your face!

For some reason I rapped the underlined part very fast, like a doubletime flow, and it worked, could be better, the flow isn't totally there, but it worked.

Overall your piece is nice, your rhyming is also good.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Thanks for the feed man! I'm working on the flow for my next peice, so be looking out for it lol.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

The best part about seeing new writers is seeing how much they grow from their first drop to their present one. This was a huge improvement man, I'm so happy to see you stepping up your flow and rhyme game!

There were a few things that stuck out to me though, that I'd like to address which can help with flow and rhyming, for instance:

"High on life I'll smoke the craze and sniff insane
My dick shoots rage and ya bitch can taste it"

The bolded parts, I'm assuming were intended to make a multi, which looks good but look at the part I underlined. You could change that to, "dick spits rage" which would give you an internal multi as well.

Also, if you were to change "bitch can taste" to "ho can taste", it'd rhyme with "smoke the craze", y'know? So you'd have...

High on life I'll smoke the craze and sniff insane
My dick spits rage and ya bitch can taste it

OR

High on life I'll smoke the craze and sniff insane
My dick spits rage and ya ho can taste it


Although the second example kinda has an interweaving scheme, I personally think it looks cool lol

Last thing I wanted to point out was that you used the word "eyes" twice in the same rhyme scheme. It's not the end of the world but it's something that always stands out to me, and on such a short piece, it tends to stick out more than it would on a longer verse. That's all

Overall, an impressive improvement and I'm willing to bet your next piece will be another step up, keep it up homie!

Wow Menzo thanks for the such in depth feed dude! I know what you mean with the rhyming, Usually I will edit things/ put stuff in to make it go to better but I didnt edit this one as much as I normally do. Also, I absolutely hate that I rhymed eye twice , my girlfriend had told me that i did that after I posted and I didnt know it, just somethin I should have looked over but oh well, I'm definitely learning a lot from the members on this forum.
and the next should be a little better but I have a few more that I'm planning on posting that I wrote before this one just have to do a little more editing to it!! Again, thanks for the feed man, means a lot.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Thanks for the feed name, in beginning to realize how important the transitions are it makes it seem so much smoother, I've been at it for about 3-4 months now, it's just starting to click to where I can make it flow better but I'm always trying to improve! Thanks for the ppinters

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

I agree with everyone else, I think flow is what needs to be improved now, you've got rhyming down, no doubt about it.

Also, do more intricate things with your rhymes, try to use multiple rhyme schemes at once, that is a bit more difficult depending on how complex you want it to go. I have a verse somewhere in my pile of papers and notebooks where I have a verse where I have the end rhyme schemes changing but the interior rhyme scheme is the same throughout the verse, it's a different scheme. Try doing things like that, I know it's not like mindblowing or whatever but it's still sexier looking.

Otherwise, I'm enjoying seeing your progress, it's cool to see how far you came in a reletively short time.

Word man, I'll definitely try that out sometime, I have a piece that I just finished up today that I think flows pretty well, I actually wrote to the same beat for the whole time I was writing it lol. Any way thanks for the feed bro.