If They Only Knew

[Atone]

(Verse)
Nightmares got me chokin i'm Awoken from a deep sleep,
sweatin from the heat, thinkin the devil's tryin to creep
monsters in my head, it's my heart that they seek
i wanna scream but there's no sound
i wanna run but there's no ground
i seem to be lost, nowhere to be found
hearin voices, but nobodies around
they sayin tony quit it, put the music down
admit it, you just a joke now
no hope, you broke- bow
but nope, this is how i cope, every song i wrote down
i'm not in it to impress you i'm in this to express
inner thoughts i got i jot and get weight off of my chest
i know, i should be better than yesterday
tomorrow's future with so much to say
but my sound don't seem to be elevatin
and some of you just got sick of waitin
and listening just sounds so devistatin
but just hear the message i'm makin

(Chorus)
If they had a clue
of the things i go thru
what i've done, where i been
they would understand why i hold this pen
they would understand why i do, what it is i do
if they only knew

(Verse)
Since day one he was there like a father should be
and daily these thoughts have been botherin me
knowin any day i could wake up and he'd be gone
no longer breathin and every day i hold on
got the leather biker jacket sittin in my room
and some nights i lay here in gloom
afraid of that doom
have i told em i love em enough?
he was there when times got rough
never had to ask for much
and mama knows i love her
and i'll always be there for my sister and brother
but with dad gone i don't know how i'd keep sain
if i didn't have music to get me thru the pain

(Chorus)

(Verse)
12 years ago i met this girl by a pond
took her for a walk by her arm
moved away and thought the angel was gone
but somehow we met again thru a bond
and hearin her voice over the phone kept it strong
she got a daughter now, i treat her like i'm the father
tellin her bed time stories and i feel like i won the lotto
my dad tought me how to be there for a girl
and this one i wanna keep, she really means the world
and her daughter loves me, i can see it in her eye's
my girl tellin me usually her daughter is shy
and never acts like this around other guys
it feels special to me, but then came a day
my girl became my ex and she took it all away
told me she was cheatin, were better off friends
soon enough we drifted apart and it was over again
she ripped my heart out my chest, her and the kid both gone
i felt like i lost it all but this music kept me strong

(Chorus)


Link Of Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145697&p=1914500#p1914500

[J.R.]

(Verse)
Nightmares got me chokin i'm Awoken from a deep sleep, (14)
sweatin from the heat, thinkin the devil's tryin to creep (13)
monsters in my head, it's my heart that they seek (11)
i wanna scream but there's no sound (8)
i wanna run but there's no ground (8)
i seem to be lost, nowhere to be found (10)
hearin voices, but nobodies around (11)
they sayin tony quit it, put the music down (13)
admit it, you just a joke now (8)
no hope, you broke- bow (5)
but nope, this is how i cope, very song i wrote down (12)
i'm not in it to impress[/i] you[i] i'm in this to express (13)
inner thoughts i got i jot and get weight off of my chest (14)
i know, i should be better than yesterday (14)
tomorrow's future with so much to say (11)
but my sound don't seem to be elevatin (11)
and some of you just got sick of waitin (10)
and listening just sounds so devistatin (11)
but just hear the message i'm makin (10)

(Chorus)
If they had a clue
of the things i go thru
what i've done, where i been
they would understand why i hold this pen
they would understand why i do, what it is i do
if they only knew

(Verse)
Since day one he was there like a father should be
and daily these thoughts have been botherin me
knowin any day i could wake up and he'd be gone
no longer breathin and every day i hold on
got the leather biker jacket sittin in my room
and some nights i lay here in gloom
afraid of that doom
have i told em i love em enough?
he was there when times got rough
never had to ask for much
and mama knows i love her
and i'll always be there for my sister and brother
but with dad gone i don't know how i'd keep sain
if i didn't have music to get me thru the pain

(Chorus)

(Verse)
12 years ago i met this girl by a pond
took her for a walk by her arm
moved away and thought the angel was gone
but somehow we met again thru a bond
and hearin her voice over the phone kept it strong
she got a daughter now, i treat her like i'm the father
tellin her bed time stories and i feel like i won the lotto
my dad tought me how to be there for a girl
and this one i wanna keep, she really means the world
and her daughter loves me, i can see it in her eye's
my girl tellin me usually her daughter is shy
and never acts like this around other guys
it feels special to me, but then came a day
my girl became my ex and she took it all away
told me she was cheatin, were better off friends
soon enough we drifted apart and it was over again
she ripped my heart out my chest, her and the kid both gone
i felt like i lost it all but this music kept me strong

(Chorus)


Link Of Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145697&p=1914500#p1914500

Well, let me just say that it was stretched. Not bad but definitely stretched. Some of your syllables lines don't match up if I counted correctly (Which, feel free to recount but I did 3-4 times so I'm pretty sure there) . Some of your rhymes were basic, you started off with some nice inners and finished with some but lost it mid way through. You need more than just end rhymes.

I'm only doing one verse now. I have a feeling you won't listen because you always seem to think everyone's out to get you when people feed, so PM me if you want any more help. I put the syllable counts I did in bold next to the lines. Rhymes are Underlined, Italicized, or Bolded appropriately.

[Eedee]

Second and third verses had the emotion, first verse was ehhh. Very elementary rhyming wise. Nothing too special. Only counted a couple multis in there. Not your best work.