[Track 6] Ductape

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145697&p=1914500#p1914500

Yo,
The date is the second and I'm sitting on this pen and pad,
Looking for an escape cuz this crazy hen done made me mad.
It's our anniversary and we were suppose to be together,
she made some shitty excuse she was feeling under the weather.
Since I've known her she Clings on to me, yeah she's Attracttive but,
She left me here on all days to Sing songs, I done took her Back enough.
I decided I'm Fucking her up, So I get the Keys to my transport,
Arrive at her place, cause a ruckus and what, I discover a manwhore.
Oh damn sure, baby, it's no big deal, I'm sure you were just havin' fun.
I shut the damn door, Bitch, for real, don't sit there laughin, run.
We play chase for a minute, you run to the phone, dial the cops,
You here a buzz, then you hang up, then the tone goes off.
I cut the line, you're mine, you ain't leavin no escape,
Fate has dictated you're final night is with my knife and my ductape.

[J.R.]

Bumping

[Eedee]

Yo,
The date is the second and I'm sitting on this pen and pad,
Looking for an escape cuz this crazy hen done made me mad.
It's our anniversary and we were suppose to be together,
she made some shitty excuse she was feeling under the weather.
Since I've known her she Clings on to me, yeah she's Attracttive but,
She left me here on all days to Sing songs, I done took her Back enough.
I decided I'm Fucking her up, So I get the Keys to my transport,
Arrive at her place, cause a ruckus and what, I discover a manwhore.
Oh damn sure, baby, it's no big deal, I'm sure you were just havin' fun.
I shut the damn door, Bitch, for real, don't sit there laughin, run.
We play chase for a minute, you run to the phone, dial the cops,
You here a buzz, then you hang up, then the tone goes off.
I cut the line, you're mine, you ain't leavin no escape,
Fate has dictated you're final night is with my knife and my ductape.

This was a very solid piece. Minimal rhyming, caught a few two-syllable rhymes here and there (I highlighted them). Also found a three syllable multi as an internal, was that intentional? If so, do that more often. It really feels good to say/hear (longer rhymes that is). The part in blue is still a single rhyme but it sounds cool to say. Kinda have to accent the "sure" like "shore" but I could see how that would be fun to say in a booth.

Not really much else to say as far as rhyming goes. Work on more complex rhyme schemes as well as maybe a larger vocabulary.

Content was okay, seems like you were just rhyming for the sake of rhyming which is fun to do sometimes. I do it too, so no big deal there.

Anyway, this was a good piece. I'd say work on broadening your lexicon, better rhyme schemes, and work on tuning up your flow. Some lines go longer than others and it's weird to read. Also, maybe try to find a beat to write to? It'll help us readers get the flow better and set the mood of the piece.

[Mr.DGAF]

Nice improvement from the previous pieces you have been posting. The rhyming is better, the flow has improved. This is good to see, it's promising. The rhymes still aren't crazy, but it's definitely an improvement, it shows that some serious thought was put into the piece. Good stuff man, this is definitely good to see.