Staying Solid (Feat. Eedee)

[JamaicanPattlez]

JP LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=155248
Eedee LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=155366

I haven't dropped here in a while, I've been so busy with a lot of different things lately, but here's something Eedee and I did a few weeks back. I've been too busy to drop it, so here we go. Finally. Lol. (Sorry Eedee. )

JP:
One thing I never got was how people love to trash you,
Think of every thought and how evil comes to catch you,
It comes quick, in a minute you were thinking of harmony,
And in a wisp, now you're wishin' you had a penchant for larceny,
It's obviously desperation that's been mixing with greed,
So what's stopping me for decimating *****, you see?
It's self-control and wisdom, testing those potentials,
A whole-ness and one-ness that's resting in your mental,
I won't lie, there's some people that I'd love to tear apart,
But I know there's the evil so I wanna stay afar,
I pray to God I stay humble when I'm buzzin' off numbers,
I'm stayin' solid, I can't crumble while I'm hunting on hunger.

Eedee:
Look, there may be rust on this mic,
But I'm breaking up the constituents, hey, I'm coming alive.
Fucking deprived of any oxygen I needed, see,
Drunk from the game, my name backwards? D then E.
I plead for dreams of nothing inside,
But how many planets can span widths that this humbleness I -
Felt when we're worlds apart, I don't even know,
But I fall like a winter's prequel - season's cold.
And in the sequel, the rays illuminate
The calender so we can all take a few days to ruminate.
Who's to say my eyelids can't take the strain?
Ain't ashamed of the dance I did to make it rain.
I only came to say that nobody can feel me
Unless you're close to me, then touch me and make it seem real.
And that's the real deal... but I won't have it, eh?
Unless you wanna peep this, make like a "Bryant" on a purple jersey, and back away.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Jamaica - First time I see you post something in this section , I have been waiting to read a verse or piece of urs as I always get inspired from all your Facebook posts about music.

Anyway Good job on this guys I would have liked to read this to a beat tbh, I like the concept of this collab, flow was on point and easy to read for both. overall pretty dope guys

I will criticize some of the end rhymes on both verses as I have been criticized big time which has helped me improve alot....Some of the end rhymes on both verses don't rhyme perfectly or are a little to basic.

For some reason I think Eedee wrote his verse quickly?

Hope you drop more JP.

Well I had came to him to the verse cause I had written it a while ago and I figured since I wasn't gonna use it, I'd use it for a drop here. I had written my part to No Apologies, but I think it's fine acapella lol. I like to have my end rhymes sorta simple cause I like to focus on rhyme schemes more than stringing multi-syllables as of late lol. It's easier for me to work with cause I like to write down maybe a phrase, rhyme that, think of inverses for that and then try to fit it into a bar where it makes sense and on point lol. Naturally, I got a lot more improvement ahead of me, but yeah, thanks for the feed! And I'll try to drop more, lol.

[Mr.DGAF]

I really liked this. Solid verses from both, and a collab from two of the better writers on the forum still is always welcomed. JP still got it, I really liked the vibe from this verse. The thinking of harmony line was awesome, that rhyme in the next bar was solid. I didn't like the decimate line so much cause it seemed the "you see" part was a filler rhyme, but that's nitpicking man. He line after that is cool in the internals. I liked this verse overall man, nice to see you post again.

Pimp, another good verse. I've seen so many verses from you it's all a blur haha, you know I think you're dope and you can obviously write. Only line I didn't care for was the drunk line haha, the d then the e part felt weird. The rest of the verse flowed quite well, both of you did a good job with the concept.

As for the rhymes being simple at the end, i kinda disagree ray. Both verses generally have three plus syllable rhymes at the end of the bar. That's not a crazy amount or anything but its a pretty good general combination for multis. Plus I believe the internal rhymes are more impressive than end rhymes; not just in this song but in general. I'm just wondering what lines you think don't rhyme well? There may be a point in some of it is a tiny bit forced but as far as straight up rhyming I don't see anything that blatantly doesn't rhyme. Only reason I ask is because I see you sometimes talk about end rhymes in your verses and I think that's your biggest room for improvement and if you're serious in trying to be a good writer it's something I think I could help with if you wanted. A lot of people are probably more fit to help than I am but I could get you just a basic idea of more intricate rhyming.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Yeah reading ur piece acapella is fine cuz it flowed so well, I still prefer to read lyrics over a beat as well I only write too beats...The odd time Ill drop an acapella type verse.

Im at the point where I am trying to focus on multi-syllables in my verse and not so much on my end rhymes...rhyme schemes is another weakness of mine as well as thinking of concepts, if someone gives me a concept I can write something but cant think of my own.

So in other words you dropped your scrapped verse on tr lol

Well yes and no lmao, cause who knows if I end up really using the verse in the end. And also, rhyme schemes and flow go hand in hand, at least in my mind and in how I work. A great way to work on rhyming is to just write something down like a line you have in your head and list rhymes below it that rhymes the phrase you have above it. I do it all the time, and it really helps.

I really liked this. Solid verses from both, and a collab from two of the better writers on the forum still is always welcomed. JP still got it, I really liked the vibe from this verse. The thinking of harmony line was awesome, that rhyme in the next bar was solid. I didn't like the decimate line so much cause it seemed the "you see" part was a filler rhyme, but that's nitpicking man. He line after that is cool in the internals. I liked this verse overall man, nice to see you post again.

Pimp, another good verse. I've seen so many verses from you it's all a blur haha, you know I think you're dope and you can obviously write. Only line I didn't care for was the drunk line haha, the d then the e part felt weird. The rest of the verse flowed quite well, both of you did a good job with the concept.

As for the rhymes being simple at the end, i kinda disagree ray. Both verses generally have three plus syllable rhymes at the end of the bar. That's not a crazy amount or anything but its a pretty good general combination for multis. Plus I believe the internal rhymes are more impressive than end rhymes; not just in this song but in general. I'm just wondering what lines you think don't rhyme well? There may be a point in some of it is a tiny bit forced but as far as straight up rhyming I don't see anything that blatantly doesn't rhyme. Only reason I ask is because I see you sometimes talk about end rhymes in your verses and I think that's your biggest room for improvement and if you're serious in trying to be a good writer it's something I think I could help with if you wanted. A lot of people are probably more fit to help than I am but I could get you just a basic idea of more intricate rhyming.

Thanks man! And to be honest, I agree with you on the "you see" line cause it sticks out and sounds unnatural but oh well lol. Improvement's always fun haha and I'm always excited to heighten my abilities more.

And yeah, the standard end rhyme in Hip Hop today is 3-4 syllables. I like to work on internal rhymes and inverses, I never realized till recently that it helps a flow out.

[JamaicanPattlez]

When I said simple rhymes at the end, to me these are pretty simple for Jamacia

One thing I never got was how people love to trash you,
Think of every thought and how evil comes to catch you,

It comes quick, in a minute you were thinking of harmony,
And in a wisp, now you're wishin' you had a penchant for larceny,

^ I find any word ending in Y is so easy to find a word to rhyme with it but of course the word has to be the right choice of word.

It's obviously desperation that's been mixing with greed,
So what's stopping me for decimating *****, you see?

For Eedee

to me these dont rhyme at the end or they are considered slant rhymes and or forced.

Look, there may be rust on this mic,
But I'm breaking up the constituents, hey, I'm coming alive.

I plead for dreams of nothing inside,
But how many planets can span widths that this humbleness I -

I only came to say that nobody can feel me
Unless you're close to me, then touch me and make it seem real.

I think I am fine with my end rhymes now and I pretty much grasped the concept, but the problem is I get help from different members and each member tells me something different so I get so confused after while.

If you take alook at my latest peice my end rhymes are perfect in couplets and internal rhymes..viewtopic.php?f=24&t=155927

Ya I didn't see too many internal rhymes in this (I just skimmed, im not gonna sit there and dissect it like a science project lol) but in general I agree they are more important.

What I need more help on is rhyme schemes, inverts, flow and internal rhymes.

I know my flow will flow better with better rhyming and multis.

Hmmm...


One thing I never got was how people love to trash you,
Think of every thought and how evil comes to catch you,

It comes quick, in a minute you were thinking of harmony,
And in a wisp, now you're wishin' you had a penchant for larceny,

That's what I had in mind when writing it lol. In my mind, this is how I formulate things lmao. Sometimes I think I'm crazy... I get what you're saying doe. Here's one thing that I learned last week actually... don't let the habit of trying to rhyme EVERYTHING get to you, that's how things become forced, and I'm still trying to get off that. Sometimes rappers do that, from what I noticed, so I'm still learning.

(By the way... I didn't dissect my own rhymes cause I wanted to... just to put that out there lmfao.)

[Mr.DGAF]

When I said simple rhymes at the end, to me these are pretty simple for Jamacia

One thing I never got was how people love to trash you,
Think of every thought and how evil comes to catch you,

It comes quick, in a minute you were thinking of harmony,
And in a wisp, now you're wishin' you had a penchant for larceny,

^ I find any word ending in Y is so easy to find a word to rhyme with it but of course the word has to be the right choice of word.

It's obviously desperation that's been mixing with greed,
So what's stopping me for decimating *****, you see?

For Eedee

to me these dont rhyme at the end or they are considered slant rhymes and or forced.

Look, there may be rust on this mic,
But I'm breaking up the constituents, hey, I'm coming alive.

I plead for dreams of nothing inside,
But how many planets can span widths that this humbleness I -

I only came to say that nobody can feel me
Unless you're close to me, then touch me and make it seem real.

I think I am fine with my end rhymes now and I pretty much grasped the concept, but the problem is I get help from different members and each member tells me something different so I get so confused after while.

If you take alook at my latest peice my end rhymes are perfect in couplets and internal rhymes..viewtopic.php?f=24&t=155927

Ya I didn't see too many internal rhymes in this (I just skimmed, im not gonna sit there and dissect it like a science project lol) but in general I agree they are more important.

What I need more help on is rhyme schemes, inverts, flow and internal rhymes.

I know my flow will flow better with better rhyming and multis.

Alright, I think you're missing a lot of multis there, and this could help you a lot. I'll contribute to what you've missed on those rhymes.

How people love to trash you/ how evil comes to catch you
Thinking of harmony/ penchant for larceny (this ones a little iffy on pronunciation)
Mixing with greed/*****, you see (this ones a few syllables off being really long)
Rust on the mic/coming alive
Nothing inside/humbleness I

The last ones a stretch as you posted it, I agree. Sometimes pronunciation creates a barrier, I've seen this happen with Eedee and I (theater ooohi).

But the lines coupled above completely rhyme, which leads me to believe pure overlooking syllables in a phrase and as a result you may not be using multi syllable rhymes as well as you can. Those are general basic multis too, so I think at this point it's a conflict of communication as to understanding multies.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Alright today was a great lesson for me and yeah I missed all those rhymes you guys just pointed out but at the same time I was only talkin about end rhymes nothing else.

I have that habit of trying to rhyme every possible word I can lol, which is not good.

In Eedee's verse everything completely rhymes? I mean if they are 1 syllable don't they have to rhyme like cat/hat? me/real would be a kind of forced? same with mic/alive?

You are totally right about the multis I don't think I am using them to my maximum abilities and need a better understanding on them.

All part of the grind, my friend. Learning multi-syllables aren't hard to learn once you really sit down and focus on learning it all.

[Mr.DGAF]

Mic and alive work because of the distinct I sound and the syllables around them. End rhymes are not just the last word of a bar, it's the last rhyming phrase. That basically means its not limited to only one word. You can overlook one syllable words if they blend correctly in the multi; not every word has I rhyme exactly.

It's a lot to learn haha, it came to me over time watching the forum. Rhyming isn't everything but stringing together an impressive multi is a nice thing to have in your repertoire.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Mic and alive work because of the distinct I sound and the syllables around them. End rhymes are not just the last word of a bar, it's the last rhyming phrase. That basically means its not limited to only one word. You can overlook one syllable words if they blend correctly in the multi; not every word has I rhyme exactly.

It's a lot to learn haha, it came to me over time watching the forum. Rhyming isn't everything but stringing together an impressive multi is a nice thing to have in your repertoire.

Eminem in his TES days is an example, too. What I noticed is that he will re-use a word in a rhyme scheme and an end rhyme but would still work. For example:

"Don't put out, i'll put you out, won't get out, i'll push you out,
Puss blew out, poppin' shit, wouldn't piss on fire to put you out,"

And..

"Am I too nice, buy you ice, bitch if you died, I wouldn't buy you life,"

Sometimes you don't need to think of different rhymes, sometimes shit just works.

[Eedee]

Bigray, I highlighted the rhymes for you. You don't have a grasp on multis, so I know seeing the rhymes are hard for you. But look farther in the bar... the multis are there and they DO rhyme. Everything isn't just one syllable.

As for the "feel me / seem real" rhyme, I intended that to be an inverse. So feel me / seem real

[Eedee]

And with multis, only the stressed syllables have to rhyme. Unless you're stressing everything like in JP's example

"am I too nice, buy you ice, bitch if you died, wouldn't buy you life"

If it's like "nothing inside / humbleness I" i'm only stressing the NOTHing inSIDE / HUMBleness I" so they don't all have to rhyme, just the stressed syllables. (Although in this case, inside / ness I do rhyme lol)

[JamaicanPattlez]

And with multis, only the stressed syllables have to rhyme. Unless you're stressing everything like in JP's example

"am I too nice, buy you ice, bitch if you died, wouldn't buy you life"

If it's like "nothing inside / humbleness I" i'm only stressing the NOTHing inSIDE / HUMBleness I" so they don't all have to rhyme, just the stressed syllables. (Although in this case, inside / ness I do rhyme lol)

Exactly. But it's a complicated concept to get too, I remember getting so frustrated over that lol.

[Francesco]

Well done y'all!

[JamaicanPattlez]

Well done y'all!

Thank you. I liked this verse lol.