Phantasms

[Eedee]

Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=163896#p2324049

Beat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-kO5i240s

Abstract piece, whew.

[Hook]

[Verse 1] (00:21)
Picture a cold, damp room - hold that view
No windows in this cell, there's no fore-cast blue.
It's just silence that's only broken by gasps
I've been talkin' to myself, so I'm hopin' you'd ask.
It's nice to hear another voice for a change,
It gets lonely by myself, just a boy and his brain.
Do you ever get the feelin' that you're being watched?
I wish I could, ya know, cause all I see are walls.
I try to keep me calm, but when I fall asleep,
My nightmares are exquisite, but it's all a dream.
Then I wake up to this sick fucking hell I'm in,
My face just sits still, it's nothing relevant.
I wish I could escape, but I don't want to leave,
I wish I could remain, but my whole isn't pieced.
I wish I could explain, but I totally mean
That I wish I could awake, but I dote on a dream.

[Hook]

[Verse 2] (01:28)
I've gone through trials and tribulations,
I'm sick of skatin' my way through miles of slicker pavement.
I'm tryin' to rid the hatred that dials in with the makin'
Of this music till my smile is big and fake yet, I'm patient
God damn it, I'm fuckin' sick of the lies
I'm fuckin' sick of the blind leading the blind
Off a fucking cliff, I'm bleedin' tonight,
I'm screamin' for life, I'm keepin' the time,
Time's creepin' for mine till I sleep in the night
Still I breathe into my - own bubble and shit
Touchin' the pen makes me see all the trouble I'm in.
I wish I could ignore all the demons I hide,
I wish I could explore all this evil inside.
I wish I could control all the eagles that fly
Cause I keep dreamin' of times that I'm deep in the sky.
I guess you could say this writing is hand spasms,
But damn it, man, I'm too busy fightin' this phantasm...

[Hook]

[mdemaz]

Gay, I'm gonna kill you, fag.

[Eedee]

Gay, I'm gonna kill you, fag.

Whew, that was powerful m8, gj gg wp

[Eedee]

Dat bump doe

[Just Silver]

damn theses were nice song verses idk about the hook? is it in the instrumental

beat choice was odd but flow is on point
the i wish lines in each verse was a cool idea

the blind being lead by the blind was a nice line

honestly sounds like a piece id write with being trapped and stuff but i enjoyed this more tha your reg

def gotta get another collab in the works

[Eedee]

Oh yeah, the hook is in the beat haha

Thanks btw. And yeah, hit me up if you want to collab.

[superman11]

Loving this man. The verses have so much behind them and goes with the beat perfectly. The I wish parts are awesome especially the second verse. When I was going along to the beat I naturally put a lot of emotion and emphasis on those parts.

Great song man. Ever wanna collab lmk I'm always looking for something to write to.

[Eedee]

Dope, thanks!

[Flamez]

Yeah that was dope man I loved it. Sick beat too I was flowing along well with it. Keep it up I swear I could see you in a music video to this song. haha

[CrashBand]

Thought I'd finally leave some feed.

Probably one of your better writtens. Your writing is still quite simplistic, mainly in word choice and vocabulary, shit like "'Im bleedin' tonight, I'm screamin' for life, I'm keepin' the time" lacked good imagery for me, and sounded like someone that just learnt what a multi was.

However, there were a few gems throughout, that show your writing is improving.

"I've been talkin' to myself, so I'm hopin' you'd ask" that was nice, I read it as early 2000's Slug saying it, lol. I interpreted as it's not only nice to finally hear someone else, but also, it's nice to hear them ask about you. Like slightly narcissistic in your paranoia.

"I'm sick of the blind leading the blind off a fucking cliff" that was a nice line too.

Also, it's sometimes to obvious or expressly stated, especially for an 'abstract piece' like "when I fall asleep, my nightmares are exquisite, but it's all a dream". I didn't like that at all and the over explaining kinda killed the mood and was probably for the rhyme.

In conclusion, some great lines and some not-so-great lines. Your main improvements should be vocab/word choice and executing how you're stating things.

ps. I hate how it's always in italics

[Eedee]

Thought I'd finally leave some feed.

Probably one of your better writtens. Your writing is still quite simplistic, mainly in word choice and vocabulary, shit like "'Im bleedin' tonight, I'm screamin' for life, I'm keepin' the time" lacked good imagery for me, and sounded like someone that just learnt what a multi was.

I feel you on that. I'll keep that in mind in the future.

However, there were a few gems throughout, that show your writing is improving.

"I've been talkin' to myself, so I'm hopin' you'd ask" that was nice, I read it as early 2000's Slug saying it, lol. I interpreted as it's not only nice to finally hear someone else, but also, it's nice to hear them ask about you. Like slightly narcissistic in your paranoia.

"I'm sick of the blind leading the blind off a fucking cliff" that was a nice line too.

Glad you liked those! I tried to be somewhat "deep", I suppose. I'm not saying I'm being all philosophical and shit, though. Just trying to maybe make you think twice about the way I worded it and such.

Also, it's sometimes to obvious or expressly stated, especially for an 'abstract piece' like "when I fall asleep, my nightmares are exquisite, but it's all a dream". I didn't like that at all and the over explaining kinda killed the mood and was probably for the rhyme.

Ah, I was trying to tie everything together for later on. This was more of a train of thought piece with a theme I had in my head. Of being so enveloped in your dream(s) that you forget to live. Hence all the lonely imagery I tried to convey. Plus I originally started this with the title "Exquisite Nightmares" but I figured it would suit better as just a line in the song.

In conclusion, some great lines and some not-so-great lines. Your main improvements should be vocab/word choice and executing how you're stating things.

I'm glad it's gotten to that point though. Means my flow, which was my biggest flaw recently, is getting better to the point you didn't say anything about it. Definitely will work on vocab and word choice though.

ps. I hate how it's always in italics

Hehe, next one I post won't be in italics.

[enjinn]

this was great...i cant agree with what CrashBand said about the vocab...i thought it was fine...sick lyrics and im about to post a verse that mentions living in a dream and if ist possible to awaken...good Job...and i think stoupe from jedi mind tricks used the same sample as this beat...sounds dope and fits your verses well

[Eedee]

Thanks you two!

[Eedee]

Haha, you're not thread-jacking. It's fine.

I'll check it out, man!