creating a rhyme

[enjinn]

ive left others some feedback...dunno if i have to post the links...feedback is always appreciated

i shine like star light, in the dark night
ill swing a sharp knife, thatll rip through your flesh like shark bites
i had a hard life, but i reach far heights
cuz im the smart type, playing my cards right
my rap divine, ive mastered rhyme, ill chant a line
thatll crack your mind
ill travel back in time
to when you saved dollars in a plastic swine
break it open and be like "that cash is mine"
and thats me acting kind
cuz if i was mean id grab a nine, aim for your back and smash your spine
if the girl's ass is fine
ill treat her to dinner with a roofie in her glass of wine
nah, i aint down with that shady shit
i need to hear her moan when i taste her clit and play with it
and hit it from the back till i sprain my dick
and make her twitch, my verse is always on some crazy shit
some rappers pathetic the others make me sick

[Eedee]

I love the schemes in this one. Pretty basic but at the same time there's so many packed in there haha. Nice, nice. Good little piece, man.

[enjinn]

thanks a lot for the comment!

[Flamez]

Short and nice I liked it. Keep it up yo.

[sneakerheadshady]

ive left others some feedback...dunno if i have to post the links...feedback is always appreciated

i shine like star light, in the dark night
ill swing a sharp knife, thatll rip through your flesh like shark bites
i had a hard life, but i reach far heights
cuz im the smart type, playing my cards right
my rap divine, ive mastered rhyme, ill chant a line
thatll crack your mind
ill travel back in time
to when you saved dollars in a plastic swine
break it open and be like "that cash is mine"
and thats me acting kind
cuz if i was mean id grab a nine, aim for your back and smash your spine
if the girl's ass is fine
ill treat her to dinner with a roofie in her glass of wine
nah, i aint down with that shady shit
i need to hear her moan when i taste her clit and play with it
and hit it from the back till i sprain my dick
and make her twitch, my verse is always on some crazy shit
some rappers pathetic the others make me sick

this is sweet. I would change the line that says and play with it, and just leave it like this:
'i need to hear her moan when i taste her clit' that way the line is closer in length to the other lines and it flows alot better.

[sneakerheadshady]

ive left others some feedback...dunno if i have to post the links...feedback is always appreciated

i shine like star light, in the dark night
ill swing a sharp knife, thatll rip through your flesh like shark bites
i had a hard life, but i reach far heights
cuz im the smart type, playing my cards right
my rap divine, ive mastered rhyme, ill chant a line
thatll crack your mind
ill travel back in time
to when you saved dollars in a plastic swine
break it open and be like "that cash is mine"
and thats me acting kind
cuz if i was mean id grab a nine, aim for your back and smash your spine
if the girl's ass is fine
ill treat her to dinner with a roofie in her glass of wine
nah, i aint down with that shady shit
i need to hear her moan when i taste her clit and play with it
and hit it from the back till i sprain my dick
and make her twitch, my verse is always on some crazy shit
some rappers pathetic the others make me sick

I really like this verse, especially the line about money in a plastic swine, its a good use of vocab, and also really creative. Also the line about roofies, and the second line saying never mind, good use of shock value or whatever you want to call it... Really liking this though!!!

[enjinn]

Flamez, sneakerhead...thanks a lot for the comments...i really appreciate it...and sneaker, youre right about the clit line...thanks

[sneakerheadshady]

haha no problem! I dont have any issue with clits though ;P