first attempt at writing... feedback please!!

[sneakerheadshady]

Hopefully I posted in the right place this time... if i did something wrong, just tell me...

Im in the process of editing the lyrics and recording it, so when i feel like its done ill try to post final version... for now feedback would be great!! - sneakerheadshady

the beat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyhDGhA9 ... 6OxSf8Hqbg

Freestyle:

mr. white, mr white when we slingin that crystal? Yo its 5ive letta word, i aint about that life!!

I feel like i can fly, aint never known to get high, when you hear this verse you gonna curl up and die
i know some people say shit, bout how my skins white (whyyt) I don't give two flips, comin at em with two fists (paciqo bitch). my flows intergalactic, but i aint George Lucas.(lukiss). when girls hear my flow, they gonna kiss me and show tits. and later i might see what i can do with this big stick. (diiickkkk)
I'll kill 100 MC's (pause) with my blazing speed, some rappers might be faster but im not doing weed. and the same goes for speed. when snoop is hitting the bong, im teachin kids the difference between doin whats right and whats wrong. treat girls with respect, that's what i've known all along. You don't need to hit that just cause shes wearing a thong. im in this to win and im not gonna stop, all you haters just wait for my album to drop. It'll be full of dope shit, from bottom to top, when you listen just pray that you wont choke. cause you all need new rhymes, yours rhymes are a joke. reevaluate your life, go meet with the pope. this is it, im done with this song, im tired of teaching you whats right and whats wrong. It's your life, now go make your own song.

yo its 5ive letta word!
catch the album!
yo... im out.

[Flamez]

It's in the right section, but this thread will get locked if you don't provide feedback.

1) Feedback - One link of feedback that you have given must be posted in addition to your piece (song, verse, etc) to ensure activity in this section. IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS, YOUR POST WILL BE LOCKED, AND IF YOU REPEATEDLY FAIL TO DO THIS YOU WILL BE BANNED, if you don't like it, get the fuck out bitch. NO EXCEPTIONS
----- new members will not get approved if they don't follow this rule

[sneakerheadshady]

hey man srry to be annoying, but how do i provide feedback? do i just respond to a post or what?

[PAINKILLƎR]

Give feedback to anyone's cw piece then post the link here.

[sneakerheadshady]

ok thanks so much guys, sorry im so annoying :P

[sneakerheadshady]

/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=164016&p=2330980#p2330980

hopefully this link works, i left some feedback on the post. Also are there any requirements to feedback that you give? just wondering

[Slim Fiasco]

Well, first of all write in lines, and 2nd of all check the thread in my signature.

[enjinn]

this is pretty good for your first attempt...i liked the pope line...and the treat girls with respect line...you have a solid flow which i like and itll get better with time...id really like to hear this when its recorded...and i hope you keep writing

[sneakerheadshady]

this is pretty good for your first attempt...i liked the pope line...and the treat girls with respect line...you have a solid flow which i like and itll get better with time...id really like to hear this when its recorded...and i hope you keep writing

thanks dude sim working on the recording now, and do you think there are any lines that don't fit at all? just wondering

[sneakerheadshady]

Yo guys here's a link to the really rough version, its up on YouTube, and sounds like shit, im working on making it better. tell me what you think

http://youtu.be/fR9jp6cqR8Q

*EDIT* im editing, because i don't wanna spam the thread. but anyway, this version is much better. still need a pop-blocker though...

http://youtu.be/mUk_ncWnjoY

[sneakerheadshady]

did any of you guys watch the rough recorded version? jw...

[Eedee]

Adding on to what Slim Fiasco said, structure your verse in line format like this:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Instead of paragraph format. Much, much easier to read that way.

As for the piece, very simplistic. But that comes with time and practice. I'm not too worried. You seem have a good mindset for this.

Also, we have an Audio Stage where you can post your audio links here (with a link of feedback from someone else's song): viewforum.php?f=38

^ So if you want critique on your audio, post it there.

[sneakerheadshady]

ok thanks and ill write my lines like that from now on

[enjinn]

i like the beat...you've got good mic presence...you sound confident...the only thing i would have changed is i wouldnt have repeated the "whats right from wrong" line...id like to start recording again and it would be cool if we could do a track together...ill send you my verse when ist done and you can tell me if you want to be on the track or not...it might take a while though

[sneakerheadshady]

ok thanks for the feedback, and ok sweet dude! cant wait to hear it!!