Some deep shit

[SpiderDiaze]

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=164818

I’m a controversial rapper when I rap about my fantasies and past experiences
Lyrics so raw that they close down mainstream businesses
Rapping about butchering rappers and killing my ex-girlfriend
Unless somebody puts a bullet into my head these lyrics shall never end
Lyrics so deep that they enter your body through several areas
Entering your bloodstream to your heart and brain
Put you to sleep to waking up surrounded by excruciating pain
Leaving you insane
Locked up in a high security mental facility
Having nightmare after nightmare about my rhyming ability
While I’m living the rich life on the island of Sicily
You pick back up the mic but begin to choke because deep down in your heart you know my rhymes live everywhere in you from your skill to agility
My rhymes will go down in a medical dictionary classed as an infection
Once you begin to choke that’s a sign of detection
Making you run to your rhyming books trying to hit perfection
You will know if you are infected by my rhymes when you go to make love to your wife but can’t hit an erection
Leaving you with depression
Locked in your room like a child on detention
Jealous of my past succession
You then murder you’re wife and kids which has left you with a life sentence with no probation
There is no cure for my rhyming skills, I’m the best in the rap game
And no rapper can touch me like a tiger they couldn’t tame
I’m just in the process on my rise to fame
The rest of these rappers all rap the same
I bring something different into this game
Dark cold lyrics which I dug up from their family member’s graves
Throwing there corpses on their porches leaving them rotten for days
Who said grave robbing never pays?
You can diss rappers in your lyrics and wait until they come out calling
But not me my lyrics are like a 50 calibre sniper they strike without warning
They turn your warm heart cold as you begin to fold
As I make you do what you are told
Yeah that’s to put down the mic this isn’t holiday season
I will strike without reason
Like Guy Fawkes hung drawn and quartered for treason that’s the only reason
Leaving fake rappers heavily breathing
Clutching their stomachs bleeding
While rappers like me carry on breeding
Rappers lying in morgues dead from internal lyric bleeding
Leaving my competitors and haters scarred for life
Only need lyrics not a fist, gun or knife
I’m violent by ability, not violent by reality
Lyrics so cold they fuck with your mentality
So dark and cold murder is always on my mind
So deadly so creepy I attack from behind
Rappers being open declaring beef in the media which is what you will find
I will come out kicking and screaming first time around
Plant you in the ground
Destroy your sound
If you want beef with me a cold dark alleyway is where I will be found.

[Spyder]

first off thank you for being new and reading the rules.

didnt read the whole thing, your first problem is structure. fit it to how you would on a beat.
the lines should be around the same length, due to the same syllable count. obviously if you have longer words but the same syllables yeah the lines will vary in length.

but this man, you have lines like 15 syllables long, then the next is 5. that throws off the flow and whole feel of the piece. also more multi-syllabic rhyming when help flow and overall "lyricism" of the piece.

keep at it

[SpiderDiaze]

first off thank you for being new and reading the rules.

didnt read the whole thing, your first problem is structure. fit it to how you would on a beat.
the lines should be around the same length, due to the same syllable count. obviously if you have longer words but the same syllables yeah the lines will vary in length.

but this man, you have lines like 15 syllables long, then the next is 5. that throws off the flow and whole feel of the piece. also more multi-syllabic rhyming when help flow and overall "lyricism" of the piece.

keep at it

Great piece of advice and feedback, a few people have picked up on the points you made also don't usually take rhyming this serious normally do just plain weird rhymes thought I'd do something different but anyway thanks for the advice bro appreciate it!

[Wreck]

This was a nice topical piece, with the whole dark, Halloween, killing theme to it, but as mentioned prior before on this thread, shorten some of the lines and you'll be good. The one line early on didn't rhyme with anything, it was all by its lonesome, and even though it wasn't 100% great structure wise, and up the ying-yang with multis and punches, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Nice work, keep improving bro. Good job.

[SpiderDiaze]

This was a nice topical piece, with the whole dark, Halloween, killing theme to it, but as mentioned prior before on this thread, shorten some of the lines and you'll be good. The one line early on didn't rhyme with anything, it was all by its lonesome, and even though it wasn't 100% great structure wise, and up the ying-yang with multis and punches, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Nice work, keep improving bro. Good job.

Thanks alot bro, great feedback!

[Halftongue Dre]

"Dark cold lyrics which I dug up from their family member’s graves
Throwing there corpses on their porches leaving them rotten for days
Who said grave robbing never pays?"

You should be more sympathetic to this type of situation..

[SpiderDiaze]

"Dark cold lyrics which I dug up from their family member’s graves
Throwing there corpses on their porches leaving them rotten for days
Who said grave robbing never pays?"

You should be more sympathetic to this type of situation..

Eminem - Role Model actually inspired them bars.

"Running out the morgue, with your dead grandmothers corpse, to throw it on you're porch".

[Halftongue Dre]

"Dark cold lyrics which I dug up from their family member’s graves
Throwing there corpses on their porches leaving them rotten for days
Who said grave robbing never pays?"

You should be more sympathetic to this type of situation..

Eminem - Role Model actually inspired them bars.

"Running out the morgue, with your dead grandmothers corpse, to throw it on you're porch".

right..