In This Life

[Flamez]

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=171133&p=2656363#p2656363

roll of the dice you don’t always get what you want
caught in a slump life is unbalanced being watched
no privacy bitches be breaking your heart and everything
falls apart when people start judging the color of your skin
and the rich get away with anything while the poor suffer
the governments stealing money from people like vultures
a culture of corruption so much bullshit and destruction
abandoned families living on the streets and all of a sudden
teenage pregnancy and absent fathers it’s a life without a dad
its sad walking out when the seed was planted like fuck that
a mother’s pain you won’t understand but everyone made a choice
your life you got to enjoy and problems you tend to avoid
life will disappoint and defeat you if you let it gotta stand up
gotta adjust no matter the situation or you’ll end getting fucked
shut your mouth get that motivation fuck weakness and spill blood
work hard pays off endure hardships and your heart grows strong

[Just Silver]

It was ok

But I've Seen much better from you it felt like a jumbled flow
Still carried a decent message though

Also try to remember capitalization it makes the structure look better

[Flamez]

Thanks man.

[Flamez]

Alright thanks man.

[gutawafang]

I didn't really get the flow. The vocab is good and all. Rhymes here and there but seems inconsistent. But the lines are very meaningful. Very visual.

[Sobecaspur]

I hear a lot of little words going on. Second line is urbanized, the rest is suburban style. Clashes it.
in my mind for rap, keeping the lines shorter is good. As for it be poetry, trying not to repeat words is a must no matter what the words are. (and, the, they, can, are)
I can see this as a great poem just its only started, outlined poetry, rewrites better. I would take this and re-arrange until perfected.