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My Love

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My Love

Postby SajN » Dec 19th, '06, 17:40

I wrote this one at the school when I was bored ..

I broked your heart
So we had to live apart.
I had to live alone
it was very hard
had noone in my home
I know I was a bum
But I did not even had a shot
to show you my romantic side
and everytime I tried, something
happened, so I had to be gone all the night
Even if I knew you were right,
we argued a lot,
so we began to fight, and you leaved me
and were never more in my sight, and I cried
wanted to attempt suicide
now I was a boy with everything, but not you and my pride
noone but you could save me, I dont want other girls
they drive me crazy.
I love you more than my life baby
I love you more than Shady
I love you more than he loves his daughter Hailie
Hope you dont hate me, like I hate DeAngelo Bailey...


How was it ?

PS: I am not so good in english, so please dont mention that :p
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Postby Golden » Dec 19th, '06, 17:42

Bra
Yeah...keep,keep it real
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Postby SajN » Dec 26th, '06, 19:40

Some comments please ...
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Postby Mc Cubz » Dec 27th, '06, 01:44

I think its usually best to avoid similes relating to things/ppl like eminem in a love song or any other deep/meaningful song in general, because they can make it less believable, and more manufactured, but some ppl will have less of a problem with that. And I would avoid talking about how he loves halie and focus on your love and descibe it in its most simple words or exactly how it is for you, in your own words, avoid writing deep/meaningful songs just when your bored and just write them when you are in a phisolophical mood or when you can concentrate. Hope this helps for future improvement. Finally the suicide bit seems abit unrealistic, I hope it is cos I dont want anyone to be suicidal. Otherwise it was a very good start and its clear you care about this person, and I would recommend you write more. props :worship:
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Postby AspirinE » Dec 27th, '06, 01:58

most sounds aight, but somelines are somewhat way off.

I love you more than Shady

no homo?
I love you more than he loves his daughter Hailie

Father-daughter love is something not to be fucked with, it makes a senseless comparisson and its a bad line to use just in thestalkerish/stanish/grupieish type of way.
Hope you dont hate me, like I hate DeAngelo Bailey...

??? why do YOU hate him?


keep working on it, ull get better with practice.
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Postby Enimee » Dec 27th, '06, 02:27

...this is where the wierd music plays and that ugly ass mofo says "This is the Twighlight Zone..."
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Postby Mc Cubz » Dec 27th, '06, 14:51

ASP wrote:most sounds aight, but somelines are somewhat way off.

I love you more than Shady

no homo?
I love you more than he loves his daughter Hailie

Father-daughter love is something not to be fucked with, it makes a senseless comparisson and its a bad line to use just in thestalkerish/stanish/grupieish type of way.
Hope you dont hate me, like I hate DeAngelo Bailey...

??? why do YOU hate him?


keep working on it, ull get better with practice.


thats what i was attempting to say but asprine made it clearer, as he sed they are abit inappopriate
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Postby Enimee » Dec 27th, '06, 15:09

wow this is like an eminem/justin timberlake
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Postby SajN » Dec 30th, '06, 15:16

I understand .. I am not so good yet ..

but tnx for the comments .. now I know what I have to be careful for when I write a song ;)
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Re: My Love

Postby DƎRDYPK » Sep 14th, '13, 15:33

Hage wrote:This is quite possibly a masterpiece, the way this flows when I read it is simply amazing. You sir, can be a real rap artist if you keep bringing out pieces like this one right here.
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Re: My Love

Postby Suzanne.s » Sep 14th, '13, 15:36

I love you more than my life baby
I love you more than Shady
I love you more than he loves his daughter Hailie
Hope you dont hate me, like I hate DeAngelo Bailey...

:laughing:

whoever bumped this is evil.
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Re: My Love

Postby SajN » Sep 14th, '13, 15:40

I'll give you a warning for bumping a very old topic when I get home.
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